I Think There’s a Bird In My Wall

I didn’t wake up to the sound of my alarm this morning. No, I woke up to an incessant tapping. At first, I thought someone was knocking on the door. I staggered to the door in my boxers and squinted out through the peephole and saw nothing but the earliest rays of morning light casting long shadows on the staircase that descends from the driveway to my apartment. No one was there. The tapping continued.

I’m not prone to hallucinations, but I had only been awake for a grand total of three minutes, so I headed back to bed, assuming the sound had simply been part of an interrupted dream about jackhammers and door-to-door magazine salesmen.

I thought nothing of it until an hour or so later, as I was leaving for work. That’s when I heard the chirps. There was a bird somewhere nearby. Very near. And so help me, it was coming from inside the wall.

A more thorough search outside revealed a small, round hole in the stucco about ten feet off the ground. What evil lies inside, I don’t know for sure, but I have this growing suspicion that a bird is nesting inside the wall.

This isn’t my first encounter with a wild bird trying to take over my home. Over a year ago, a bird mysteriously ended up in the living room of my last house and had to be carried to safety after wearing itself out. I’m starting to see a pattern.

I’ll admit, the evidence is circumstantial. I have yet to witness the bird, but I’ve read a lot of mystery novels (and attempted to write a couple of my own) and I think there is something sinister afoot. It may be random. It may the first wave of an avian invasion. I’m not ruling out the possibility of a government conspiracy.

Only one question remains to be answered: What am I supposed to do now?

— 30 —

There some weeks when I think of wonderfully compelling things to blog about. Unfortunately, this week was not one of them. Still, you can follow my unorthodox commentary on the world through my Twitter feed: @jonnyeberle.
Next week will be better. Promise.

Update: I have documented sightings of two woodpeckers looking really shifty on the outside wall. I’m not crazy. Well…

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